


Oatmeal Raisin Cookies

by HelpIveMcFallen (PunsandPoses)



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Cookies, Crack, Fluff, M/M, Pranks and Practical Jokes, Texting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-16
Updated: 2018-11-19
Packaged: 2019-08-24 13:47:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,453
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16641318
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PunsandPoses/pseuds/HelpIveMcFallen
Summary: In which Tony Stark hates oatmeal raisin cookies, JARVIS assists with pranking Tony, everyone has each other's number, and Clint Barton is a meme lord.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A disaster. Natasha's name, MotleyCrue, is based on the band, which had a song called Black Widow. No plot one-shot. May continue, if I want, I guess??

**Ass-engers Assemble**

**Admin: IJustGottaVent**

**Group Members:**   **IronDad, SuperMom, SpiderKid, DoctorAnger, ThorOdinson, MotleyCrue, EyelinerIsEssential, BirdBro, Stabby**

**Sent Friday, 3:34 p.m.**

IronDad: if whoever made this chat comes forward, I might be merciful

SuperMom: I agree

ThorOdinson: I AM IN AGREEMENTBXJEVC

SpiderKid: you good?

Stabby: He cannot master the phone

IronDad: Thor if you break it again

BirdBro: he broke it

EyelinerIsEssential: who are you people

SpiderKid: have you really not gotten the contacts worked out yet

EyelinerIsEssential: haven't had time

DoctorAnger: It is my understanding that there is a group admin you can find

SpiderKid: just checked, it's Clint

MotleyCrue: Clint, what did I tell you about the LAST group chat

IJustGottaVent: don't do it

MotleyCrue: and what did you do

IJustGottaVent: make another one

SpiderKid: a+ name btw

IJustGottaVent: I know

ThorOdinson: I HAVE REPLACED THE DEVICE. WHAT DID I MISS?

MotleyCrue: Clint made another group chat

IronDad: hold on

IronDad: what is this group name

IJustGottaVent: everyone on this planet checks out Natasha

MotleyCrue: even I check out myself

IJustGottaVent: see

IronDad: well all this is well and good

IronDad: but I have things to do

_IJustGottaVent added Pepper to the group chat._

Pepper: Clint, what is this.

IronDad: why did you drag Pepper into this

SuperMom: Peter, I saw you on the news. Where are you?

SpiderKid: nowhere important

IJustGottaVent: ooh

MotleyCrue: ooh

ThorOdinson: OOH

IronDad: shut up, all of you

IJustGottaVent: he protecc. he attacc. but most importantly

SpiderKid: hoe don't do it

IJustGottaVent: he's gonna need the suit bacc

SpiderKid: oh my god

_BirdBro left the chat._

_DoctorAngry left the chat._

_MotleyCrue has left the chat._

SpiderKid: look what you've done

_ThorOdinson has left the chat._

_IronDad has left the chat._

_Pepper has left the chat._

_Stabby has left the chat._

_SuperMom has left the chat._

_EyelinerIsEssential has left the chat._

IJustGottaVent: Peter don't leave me!!!

_SpiderKid has left the chat._

-.-.-

**SuperFamily**

**Admin: IronDad**

**Group Members: SuperMom, SpiderKid**

**Sent Sunday, 8:14 p.m.**

SuperMom: tony

SuperMom: did you replace my ice cream with mashed potatoes

IronDad: …

IronDad: no

SpiderKid: lmao

SpiderKid: how'd you find out

SuperMom: made a bowl and ate a bite

SpiderKid: with syrup????

SuperMom: yes

IronDad: Clint owes me 50 bucks

SuperMom: which you will use part of to replace my ice cream

IronDad: fine

-.-.-

**Sent Monday, 10:58 a.m.**

SpiderKid: really

DancingQueen: what

SpiderKid: really

DancingQueen: w h a t

SpiderKid: spray painting a dick on Tony's window is not an acceptable way of convincing him you're nice enough to associate with me

DancingQueen: lies

SpiderKid: wade

SpiderKid: he told me that if he saw you again he would tell Bucky to dismember you

DancingQueen: that's boring

SpiderKid: and then chop you to pieces and send you to the corners of the globe

DancingQueen: oh

DancingQueen: that can't happen

DancingQueen: I have an appointment with my stripper

SpiderKid: seriously

DancingQueen: we on for tacos still

SpiderKid: see you then

-.-.-

**That Thing©**

**Group Admin: IronDad**

**Members: EyelinerIsEssential, MotleyCrue, IJustGottaVent, BirdBro, ThorOdinson, Stabby**

**Sent Monday, 11:15 a.m.**

IJustGottaVent: tony, this better be good

IronDad: hear me out

IronDad: what if we killed deadpool

IJustGottaVent: is this because he spray-painted a dick on your window

IronDad: do YOU wanna wake up on a peaceful Monday morning to a giant pink glittery dick on your window

MotleyCrue: Tony

MotleyCrue: he replaced all the chocolate chips with raisins

IronDad: Jarvis helped again didn't he

IJustGottaVent: why does DP have an in with Jarvis and I don't???

IronDad: you messed with his central processors twice

BirdBro: and you go through all the vents and he can't see you

ThorOdinson: YOU ALSO HAVE THE HABIT OF ANNOYING TONY OF STARK AND STEVE OF ROGERS WITH YOUR PRANKS

IJustGottaVent: that was like once

MotleyCrue: it was around 1,231 times if my count is correct

IJustGottaVent: y'all have no sense of humor

-.-.-

**Heyyyy Macarena**

**Group Admin: IJustGottaVent**

**Group Members: DancingQueen, SpiderKid, BirdBro**

**Sent Monday, 12:03 p.m.**

IJustGottaVent: you know I had to do it to em

SpiderKid: Clint

SpiderKid: what did you do

DancingQueen: I replaced all the chocolate chips with raisins

IJustGottaVent: so I made tony oatmeal raisin cookies

IJustGottaVent: oatmeal raisin cookies are disgusting though

IJustGottaVent: gagged when I smelled them in the oven

BirdBro: why y'all hating on the cookies???

SpiderKid: idk

IJustGottaVent: it's because oatmeal raisin cookies masquerade as chocolate chip but they're n o t

SpiderKid: they're not even that bad, you just expect different flavor

SpiderKid: wade

SpiderKid: did you just slam into my window

DancingQueen: no

IJustGottaVent: oh, was that the shudder I felt

BirdBro: stop hanging in the vents, Clint

IJustGottaVent: no

DancingQueen: hold on, I have to realign my spine

SpiderKid: I never want to hear that noise again as long as I live

DancingQueen: spinal fractures are nothing

SpiderKid: whatever weird injury you may have had, rest assured I do not want to hear about it

IJustGottaVent: Tony's yelling

BirdBro: about what

DancingQueen: deets

IJustGottaVent: “the next time I have to wash blood off Peter's window, Wilson is permanently dying, I'll make sure of it”

IJustGottaVent: Steve is trying to calm him down

IJustGottaVent: “I don't give a damn if they're friends, oatmeal raisin cookies are the last straw. Oatmeal raisin! As if! Only Sam's pie is worse”

BirdBro: hold on what

IJustGottaVent: jk

IJustGottaVent: he said that Peter's version of pie was worse, not yours

SpiderKid: I did burn it

DancingQueen: there's only o n e thing worse than a rapist

IJustGottaVent: a child

DancingQueen: no

DancingQueen: peter making pie

SpiderKid: I resent that

BirdBro: last time you made pie my nostrils felt doused in acid

SpiderKid: you mistake onions for cut up apples o n e time

IJustGottaVent: and the entire community kitchen smells disgusting for 6 days, 7 hours, 34 minutes and 16 seconds

BirdBro: you really counted

IJustGottaVent: Sam, I thought you knew me

-.-.-

**Sent Tuesday, 6:23 p.m.**

SpiderKid: tony apparently hates oatmeal raisin cookies

DancingQueen: okay

SpiderKid: I'm actively encouraging you to prank Tony

DancingQueen: noted

SpiderKid: I've got Jarvis in on it

SpiderKid: and we will take the blame if necessary

DancingQueen: baby boy why didn't you say so

DancingQueen: I'm on it

-.-.-

**Heyyyy Macarena**

**Group Admin: IJustGottaVent**

**Group Members: DancingQueen, SpiderKid, BirdBro**

**Sent Tuesday, 7:37 p.m.**

IJustGottaVent: Wade Wilson

IJustGottaVent: it has been an honor

BirdBro: what did he do

SpiderKid: he filled Tony's room with oatmeal raisin cookies

DancingQueen: even the vents

DancingQueen: if he slams his hands on the wall, more will fall down

IJustGottaVent: you genius bastard

DancingQueen: I know

SpiderKid: at the scene

SpiderKid: this just in, he just hit the wall

SpiderKid: more fell

SpiderKid: omg it's still going

SpiderKid: how many cookies???

DancingQueen: about 10 pounds per ceiling tile

IJustGottaVent: I love you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note 11/25/18: I know people don't normally text like this, but to hell with it. I can't stand grammatical errors. On another note, if you see any, please alert me. My fragile fanfiction heart can't take it. 
> 
> Much love for all of you. This is the most kudos I've ever gotten on a fic. Broke the 100 mark too. <3 <3 <3 
> 
> Those are all bouquets and double as hearts. You're all lovely.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I wrote the cookie scene but from Tony's POV. Have fun, I guess.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this blurb because I'm still amused. Drop me a line, I'm on Tumblr (same username [punsandposes] all lowercase). *shameless self-promotion is shameless* Still a disaster.

Tony Stark wasn't one to just immediately forgive. It just wasn't in his nature, just like Clint was unable to stop scuttling around in the vents and Peter couldn't bake a decent pie to save his life. 

So seeing a bunch of oatmeal raisin cookies in his room, covering it like a tsunami of baked goods wasn't exactly something he'd easily forget. All he wanted was a new shirt.

The smell of them was enough to make him gag. In frustration, he slammed a hand against the wall. 

And  _ more _ rained down like it was a fricking monsoon of cookies. Dust and raisins liberally coated his hair, and crumbs found their way in his clothes. He took a deep breath and soon realized his mistake. The damn things found their demonic way into his mouth.

He could see Peter through the doorway, but there was so much cookie powder (crumbs? Tony was too incensed and sleep-deprived to care) that visibility was low. There was a giant smile on Peter's face as he typed on his phone. 

The cookie hurricane finally ended.

To his complete and utter horror, he could hear Clint laughing loudly in the vents above. And by this time, there was basically a crowd of people staring at Tony. Tony stared back. 

Pepper looked mildly amused in her position off to the side, Natasha had a shit-eating grin on her face, Steve and Bucky were hiding smiles behind their palms, Sam was impressed, and in the back he saw Clint swing down from the ceiling and fall to the floor, laughing. 

Peter silently raised his phone and took a picture. Tony evaluated what to do. Then he raised both fists, pointed them at everyone except Pepper, and flipped the crowd the bird. 

  
Pushing his way through the group, he went to go get some coffee. He was  _ way _ too sleep deprived for this


End file.
